Our Little Family

Gratitude

2011-11-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

Every Spanksgiving my family gathers to share the holiday. My Mom makes the MOST AMAZING Hawaiian food...and oh, the anticipation for that and the traditional fare upon which we feast annually. Before we sit down to eat, we stand behind our designated chairs and one by one, we express our gratitude for the various precious people/things/lessons in our lives. And not to gush...well, actually, YES, to gush, I've been thinking more and more about how deeply thankful I feel for my children and my family. There've been some really HARD things that have transpired over the last year or so...and my Mom has managed to be a remarkable strength for me despite difficult aspects in her own life with her own health and responsibilities. My family members are some of my closest friends and I'm glad for it. I'm glad to be close to them. I'm happy to love them...and to know that they love me.

I don't know where things will be next year. I don't know what will happen. I have no idea about work, or love or...whatever...but I know that I'll always have these little faces in my life...and I know that no matter what, I'll have people in my life who are there for me...and have taught me to be there for others.

This holiday season, take a little time to think on the tendernesses that have calmed a personal storm...made sense of the confusion...brought peace to the calamity. No matter the circumstances, rest assured there are people who care, people to whom you matter and are known. Breathe a little deeper. Be a little easier with yourself. Be grateful. xo

Wishes

2011-08-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

Facebook is my friend. I like it. I know how to use it along with the rest of the Internet. Every so often in my effective searching I run across things that I wish I didn't know...and no, it's not nasty stuff. It's finding houses that belonged to people that I know posted on real estate sites...for a fraction of what they paid...and ended up losing. These are the days I wish I had a few hundred grand stuffed away to buy back a house...I would do that.

It's stumbling across people who at one point in time changed the whole structure of my family with their selfish choices...I'm not mad or angry...and it's not that I'm wasting judgment or emotion on them...it's just a strange hind-sight thing.

It's stumbling across places that I had once been...and have missed. Or people who changed my life...it's not that I run to reunite with these...just reflect on how I feel about that change in a set of a hundred...and can recognize their direct or indirect contribution. I can be grateful for that...or ponder the lesson now that it's been awhile and can see the chain of events that have followed.

Maybe I'm just in a weird mindset right now...

You know, when you get to that point??? That point where you're in need of life satisfaction, but it's not quite there because of work or transition or change or conflict or pain or frustration or misunderstanding or frenzy...or just because. Some days I'd just like the House Fairy to drop a 4/2 on me...without causation by death or divorce...just because she likes me and because I deserve it. :) Some days I wish the Raise Fairy would sprinkle some pay increase notions on my boss...not because someone else got fired and I got to do their job, too...just because the Raise Fairy (and hopefully my boss) likes me A LOT because I'm good at what I do. I know you feel this way, too. Yes, hard work...blah blah blah...put your time in...blah blah blah...pay your dues...blah blah blah. That's not what this rant is about. It's about having more of those moments...like when you find something that you didn't expect and it's AWESOME and it makes things just a pinch great for a bit without a whole lot of blood, sweat and massive amounts of tears and worry. Don't freak. Everything is fine. Just wishing.

I AM blessed...and grateful. Just contemplative. I wish I had enough of whatever it was that was needed to heal pain and hurt. I wish I knew how to administer it to the need. Granted there are plenty of things that we need to do on our own to get to where we are going...but I wish I had that gift of knowing what I could give to solve. I wish I didn't need as much emotionally as I know I do...the flip side is that if I take away that need, I lose compassion and this weird intuition...which I wouldn't want to go away.

I wish you more of the things you need...and less of the things you don't.

I wish I was there to tell you and hear your voice. I just...wish.

Empty Room

2011-08-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

Extended vacation months bring about arrangements for my littles to visit their Dad. This year my daughter went for a month and my sons are presently gone. At the end of the stay it'll be a little over 3 weeks. Each visit brought an empty room. E's room was silent for 4 weeks...during which I SHOULD have thoroughly cleaned it, sorted toys, blah blah blah...but I didn't. There was something about the disheveled dress-up clothes...and the slippers in random order. My E isn't the most orderly little girl...she's easily distracted. And although most of the messes in the house on a Saturday morning are blamed on her little brother, when neither of the brothers are present, it's really hard to pin the blame on them. So, it has become clear who exactly leaves the cereal out...and the milk...and drawing items...and paints...and littlest pet shop thingeys...and whatever else. While she was gone...having all of those items exactly the way they were when she left...somehow kept her there...captured her. Made her not so far away...even though she really was.

Now, the boys are gone...and their room sits empty. Stripped beds and folded laundry sit on a desk that waits for August 17th when children return to school and that surface will be used again the way it was intended.

I support the visit. I just miss them when they're away. My life is so completely engaged in them...that when they're gone...I'm a little off...just holding my breath and waiting for all the cogs to fit again. Not that I would tell them that, but between you and me, you know?

Safe journey, my littles. Love you.

Follow Me

2011-07-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

E on the Diving Board 07/20/11

I was a diver in High School and in College. It's not like I wanted to do it all my life and came from an extensive or even shallow line of divers in my family. I wanted to try it out and in doing so realized that it was pretty fun and easy and I wasn't too bad at it. The perfect sport for me. I was REALLY lucky to have been spared any grotesque accidents, cumulative head trauma, or any other gnarly incidents as a result. The only owie that ever came of being a diver was at VC in attempting to expand my high dive repertoire...I can say that one should have COMPLETE CONCENTRATION while hurling oneself off of a 3 meter board...because any lack thereof can be painful. A slightly off day for me lead to 3 stress-fractured ribs...thanks to a tweaked rotation that I didn't feel until it was too late...and a landing much like jumping off the roof and landing directly on concrete. Water can do that, you know? Act like concrete...trust me.

I've not ever been one to place seedlings of thought into my kids heads about being aeroballistic acrobats. I've actually NOT mentioned it because I have this thing about the fact that they can't dive with helmets. Safety first, right? I know I already said that I was lucky, but I'm saying it again. Never hit my head on the board EVER...lucky. I will admit that I HAVE told J and W that they shouldn't count on playing football. Baseball to their hearts content. Be swimmers. Play water polo. Play soccer. Any sport where I won't have to watch your collar bones snap while some beast is trying to hit you so hard you see stars. Please. (3 football players my senior year with broken collar bones.) Yes, I'm a freak. I know that already. The thing is, when it comes down to it, if they REALLY want to, I'll probably relent. It's just now, when they're small and I still have a big bubble around them that I talk big.

So, my kids have been taking swimming lessons this summer. Not so much to make them become competitive swimmers and want to be lifeguards (hint hint), but more because swimming, I believe, is an integral skill to possess. In the process, at the end of each class, the teachers let their students jump from the diving boards, 1 meter or 3 meter, whichever the student chooses. It was during a class that I had attended that I got to witness my daughter NOT want to dive. Now, as a past diver, shouldn't I have been more encouraging or SOMETHING??? Shouldn't I have tried to stoke her up on what it feels like to rotate and execute a perfect dive? Hmmm...nope. I could see her nervous about the depth of the pool. And in as much as I DID offer words to just jump, there wasn't a whole lot in me that wanted her to follow that particular aspect of my life.

'k, so all over the blog board (as usual, I know), the point is that even though we want our children to forge ahead using trails that we have blazed ourselves, there's a beauty (oh, dear, a fear even) in allowing their distinct personalities to define their interests. I think, in my children's cases, my youngest would probably LOVE anything that I said I had done or loved myself just because that's who he is...which is why I find myself making deliberate choices about how I word my preferences. Granted, I'm super flattered that he thinks so much of me, but I realize (sigh) that the time will come when he won't...and he'll wonder if he loves all of these things because he does or because I do...at which I hope he'll see that it's more because I really wanted him to do and love because he was moved to do so. Except the football thing. Just kidding.

I think it's my responsibility as a mother to prepare them for the living in the world...but more importantly knowing themselves and living in the world. Meaning, I know what I like because I know who I am. Certainly, there are many levels of "who I am", and at specific stages, a mother is more hands on, more instructive, more in control, but there are instances where I have to catch myself and allow mistakes, failure, even a small measure of pain (riding a bike for the first time) in order for the growth to come...DON'T relate that to football. ;) I've tried to raise them to be able to think on their own...to discern. Sometimes it works and sometimes not, but in terms of becoming me...please don't. I'm NOT saying that from the beginning we should be hands off. I believe that there must be a foundation. I AM saying that it's important to understand that in EVERYTHING our posterity will eventually come to choose what they want, what they believe and what they will do.

I have dreams for my own...to travel and discover...to embrace the amazing, surprising things in the world that are unique and special...but that means they'll be exposed to some horrifying, trying, challenging things...and my equal hope is that they'll be able to filter, understand, accept, and apply to a degree, the things that come in to their lives...through THEIR eyes, not so much mine. If my children are my future I think I have to work harder, and smarter at allowing them to figure out how to walk confidently in this world. Every day, little by little. It's an ideal. I guess in that moment with my little girl on the board I think it hit me...you don't have to follow me...I'll walk with you for a while and then you can go on to be who YOU want to be...just take my best parts with you, if you'd like...but make them more your own. You can do this.

What the Future Holds

2011-07-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

All around me I see progression...now-adults that I knew as they were children who have come to that threshold of decision between doing what they LOVE and what may pay. Agreed this is a difficult place to be...but I found myself offering words of advice (albeit unsolicited) that I didn't quite understand when I was 19, but that i REALLY do now...Do What You LOVE.

As a student in college, I had a dear friend who's mother was a professional artist. She still is. She's remarkable. Some of the things that come from her hands is simply breathtaking...she has followed her ambition to be an artist all of her life...through thick and thin...and I find that admirable. This path has been difficult for her at times. Work ebbs and flows. With a family and responsibilities, I'm sure there were times when it would have been easier to find something more conventional...but she made art her trade, and as such, when there was a demand for creative means of raising capital, she taught these glass-mosaic techniques to others; students who wanted to learn. To this day, art is her practice.

I have another dear friend who through the course of his mission as a young man had decided that it would be more lucrative to pursue a business degree although his passion was in the arts. He graduated and entered the business world...unfortunately, after while he couldn't shake the feeling that he should have done something else...something that fulfilled him personally...something that gave him purpose...He went back to school to pursue film...and is now, doing what he loves.

The young man who was laden with my advice, in my point of view, is talented and competent. He could do anything that he wants and be great...it's just standing in our own shoes that perhaps the boundaries we see are of our own doing. At least that's how it's been for me. It's amazing to me that in reflecting on my life, I made my own decisions about future not necessarily based on passion...but an immediate opportunity. It's a hard line...especially because we can't see the future...and often times our circumstances demand measures that don't exactly match up with our own grand designs.

What I'm trying to say is that belief in oneself and an eye on an ultimate goal should be the foremost guiding light as we walk on our own paths. Do what you love, as it is said...the rest will fall into place.

xo class of 2011...can't wait to see where you'll go.

Stay Summer

2011-06-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome, summer. Sometimes I can see you through the windows at work while I'm thinking about my boys at swimming lessons with their Grandpa and my girl with her Dad in Arizona. I hope that you'll stay good for them and cut me some slack and stick around on the weekends when I'm not pinned in my glass case. :)

I hope that you'll send pleasant breezes when we have tournament games in Ventura and Simi Valley. Last year you were a bit relentless and made some people wilt...and grouchy.

I hope that you'll remain clear this weekend in particular so that all of the attendees at the various celebratory events can actually SEE the fireworks and not the muted lights diffused through low fog.

You were a little late, so I do hope that you'll stay...long enough for me to get a tan. :)

My Annual Blog

2011-04-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sheesh.

Over a year. Sorry. Moving on...

Is it me? Or does it seem like things just move faster and faster?

Things are good. Busy and sometimes crazy, but good. And I'm grateful for that.

This is the season for lots of sports photography. It seems a little easier to present the highlights via a blog in connection to a site I use, so there's a new little blog called Life in Pictures that I've started. I hope you'll enjoy it!

http://jmpclick.blogspot.com/
http://jasminemchenryphotography.shutterfly.com/
xo,
j.

Push

2010-02-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

There’s a parable about a man who was commanded by God to push against a rock all the days of his life. Every day he would try with all of his might to push against that massive stone. Every day he would go home tired and spent. Years after this occupation, the adversary came to him and in using a powerful tool, suggested to the man that he was a failure because he’d made no progress in moving the object after so many years of effort. Maybe, the adversary suggested, the man wasn't doing anything new because he wasn't making enough progress with the task he was given in the first place. That night, the man went home and began to consider what had been said. He knew he couldn’t trust the adversary, but there was some truth to the fact that after toiling for SO LONG in this task, it really didn’t appear that much was happening and it made the man doubt his worth and efforts. Maybe someone else could have moved the rock a lot sooner. Maybe he was just not cut out for the job. He wondered if God had become disappointed in him because his labors appeared fruitless. The next morning, disheartened and discouraged, the man went to Heavenly Father and laid out his concerns. He told him of the adversary’s visit and apologized for being weak and after so many years for being unsuccessful in his attempts to move the rock.

Heavenly Father looked at the massive rock and then at this humble son, broken down by doubt. He placed his hand on his shoulder and gently explained that the point of the man's labors had never been about moving the stone. The object of the task was to prove his obedience, and through that, to strengthen that man. It was then, in realization, that the man could see that his body had become sinewed as a result of his diligence and consistency. The commandment was never for the sake of a piece of land being cleared of a stone, it had always been for the benefit of the man.

It’s so easy to lose focus of the point. So easy to become distracted and doubtful when things are consistently difficult…painful, even…here I am, pushing on the rock…did He ever say that he wanted me to move it? Or did I hear from someone else that I was supposed to? Do we not each bear our own trial? Are not our wildernesses individual, though seemingly similar in nature? If we endure the same trial, and my outcome is different, does it mean you didn’t do it right? Or that you’re weak because you handled yours in a dissimilar manner? It’s possible, right? That we’re learning these lessons for different reasons? The goal is the same for ALL of us, to finish, to learn, to love…but ultimately it’s through our experiences of pushing against our rock that will get us there.

Shun your adversary. Hold tight to the command. Realize deeply that specific things are given to take those weak things and to make them strong. It takes work. A LOT . Our success is contingent upon our efforts…in all things. Don’t quit. We don’t generally get the intention of the exercise until it’s well over…and even then it’s redefined by our comprehension. Just trust that it’s worth it. What ever your IT is…DO it. We’re commanded to be perfect. Seemingly impossible given our flaws and natures…but there’s something to be said in the fact that we weren’t commanded to TRY, we were commanded to DO/to BE. Whatever your hurdle. Whatever your circumstances. PUSH.

Love you all,

Culprit

2009-08-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

I am. In the sense of the source or cause of a problem. I’m too prideful to share the story. Let’s just say there are days when I look at myself and realize I suck. Not every day, but there are days…like when I can’t get through to my kid…or when things are out of my control even though I think they should be…or when I flip out and realize I’ve been had by every weakness and insecurity ever vested in me. Culprit. A.K.A. HUUUUGE slice of humble pie.

I consider myself a fairly logical girl. Girl implying the full range of emotional responses. I’ve got LOTS of sarcasm to cover all of the vulnerability…but occasionally it doesn’t conceal them…it whips off the cover like a tarp in the wind. Despite my logic, when it comes to my children or my love there are times when the strong logical approach will take a step down and allow the emotional method to give it a whirl…which ALWAYS ends with me feeling like the culprit (hence the title) and puffy eyes.

I have this really BAD habit of trying to rely on myself when it comes to things that really can’t be handled on my own. When I was on my mission I would so go through cycles where I would feel very sturdy and try to take things on. As I would weaken I would hand more and more over to the Lord, knowing full well that He was the only one who could really help me and show me how to deal. At times I would beg Him to take it all. And He did. Little by little as I grew stronger I would take things back until (brilliant) I was holding everything again, completely overwhelmed…and there He was…hands extended…allowing me to give back the things that I just couldn’t or didn’t know how to handle.

Wasn’t I supposed to grow out of that when I became an adult? Wasn’t I supposed to figure it all out and know how to handle love? And loss? And brattiness? And tantrums? And disappointment? And patience? Wasn’t I supposed to have this remarkable innate ability to keep my perspective and my cool because I was a grown up? I think my heart (figuratively speaking) is faulty. It’s altogether too impulsive (no pun intended). One thing that I DO know that works is my post-awareness. I need to move it to PRE-awareness. I need some extra pre-meta-cognition, if you please. To save me from putting my foot in my mouth or from letting my anger and frustration get the better of me…and then I need a REALLY GOOD eye cream.

Lovies and chums (and self), heed my advice. Beware of stupidity in sheep’s clothing. Beware of lame things that seem monumental and escalate at super sonic speed…unless, of course, you love humble pie…then we can eat it together. I guarantee I suck more than you. As long as you understand that and don’t try to dissuade me (which will annoy me and I’ll snap at you and then feel bad and then I’ll have to eat humble pie over you…please, spare me) we can sit at the same table happily and discuss the ins and outs of pie crust and filling.

All is well. I promise. I’m just unflatteringly human. And those days keep the experience real…painfully real. Someday I’ll get it. I’ll step back enough to see the process WHILE it’s happening AND keep my cool. I hope. I’m working on it. That’s the best I can do presently. At least I can kind of giggle about it…and hopefully make you do the same as you read and (not out rightly) admit that you may have felt similarly. All of this happens for a reason…which you may or may not know…which will mean a different thing on a different day…which will pull you and push you and make you laugh and cry…but the wisdom gleaned from said trials and living…make you amazing and miraculous…albeit weathered and scarred a bit. So the objective wasn’t to make it through this life without battle wounds and scars, nor will our success be about how much we can handle on our own…but to accumulate the lessons…to learn the fundamentals…and to learn how to rely and trust. It’s about keeping our perspective on the things that really matter, right?

It’ll be okay. I won’t write this stuff all the time. It’s sobering…well, sort of…take it with a grain of salt. My point in broadcasting is that we’re not alone.

Hand your stuff over. Lean a bit. It’s okay. Lean a LOT. It’s still oaky. Roll with it. Breathe. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Admit it when you’re less than your best. Get over it. Then be your best. Love the good and the bad. Just love. It’s not going to all go away when you grow up. As long as you’re someone’s child (in its many contexts) you still got growin’ to do.

xoxo,
j.

Casatoreasca....I just like the way it sounds

2009-08-13T22:14:00.001-07:00

Married. Just a little over a month. To a beautiful man, a true friend. I've been asked how married life is going...It's going very well, thanks. We're together only during the weekends due to his working on an island 70ish miles off of the coast. We talk all the time, but sharing space is limited. There's a longing...and a gratitude for the time we DO have together. There's no time for anything but handling these minutes with precious care.

It's an interesting place to be...to love from a distance. This is the first time that I can say I'm in a long distance relationship. Ha...and it's not like I could fly or boat out to see him...unless I had clearance.

There is something in being able to consider the things that you appreciate and adore in an individual when they're not present. There's a comfort in remembering things...like the way his hand feels in mine...and all of the sensory recalls that come alive when he returns...like the way his shirt smells when I'm close to him...or the feel of his hair in my fingers...Or the serenity that is invoked with just a few words...yeah, married life is well. Very well, thank you.

Life in general is very good. Busy and perhaps a tad insane, but good. I frequently intermingle the word insane with the thought of stretching. Work with me. You know? Those weeks when there's just NO END to the many things that have to happen...and you're responsible for the coordination and the execution of every plan...stretching. Stretch yourself. Stretch your patience. Stretch your limits...not always for good, not always for bad...but out of duty. It's nuts to consider all of the stuff...but we totally do it and then later think nothing of it. Eh, I'm fine. There's a lot to do...there's ALWAYS a lot to do, so it makes the stretch a little less gargantuan. What's a centimeter more, right? :)

Kids are doing well. Often the root of my stretch (I don't know what I would do without my Mom who cares for them during the day.), they are also the root of my duty. They grow at a speed that is much to my chagrin. Somebody, PLEASE invent something that will freeze time (and rid me forever of my split ends...get rid of my flat iron? what? oh right...that would do the trick) and make them NOT grow so quickly. Keep them small where they won't ever tire of cuddles and tickles. The other day Justus was right in step with my humor and sarcasm. He was witty and funny...I enjoyed it, but was snapped back to the many days when he would look at me blankly and change the subject to thomas the tank engine or the wiggles. Now he's super stoked on books he's found in my collection...and is manifesting these pearls of personality that are both breathtaking and overwhelming.

It happens in a blink, no? And I know you understand because it happens to you, too. In our own ways.

Strive. Stretch. Catch the moments. Enjoy.

Love to you all,

To Remember

2009-04-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have brought back some poignant memories. Flowers and tree trunks painted white. Amaryllis and paper whites growing in lush parks...spring green held in by meandering cement walkways. Piatas full of spring berries and flowers...and then the tears come. Involuntarily. Regardless, they come. Tears for things and people that I miss...tears for things and people I love...tears for a time...a beautiful, harsh, glorious time...I can remember the sound of my shoes on the streets. I can remember dogs and cars and gypsies...the smell of bread...the smell of dirt and sweat. Companions. Neighbors. Investigators. Members. How they laughed when things were new. How they cried for things that had happened to them...the Opera plaza full of cards and trinkets for zuia fameilor...How I found my son's name one early morning during individual study in my little bed in Timisoara...How I discovered so much in a place so far away...and how far it seems to me right now.

There's no Easter Bunny in Romania. Eggs are dyed red or with symbols of spring in observance of new life. The daily greetings change from the regular "good day" to "Christ was Resurrected." And the one receiving the greeting replies with, "True, He Lives Again." Their Easter celebration is about light. Climbing up to a high tower in Timisoara, the view from the window brought an almost endless sea in the Opera plaza of the town citizens all with illuminated candles. The light of Christ they symbolically carried. Beautiful.

I am grateful for a time every year to consider what this light means to me. To hold a love for traditions I grew up with as a child, but to include these newly acquired perspectives to my observances makes it deeper for me now. I can make my own efforts daily to nourish my light and encourage it in others, regardless of their own beliefs. Light is light. We each have it...and it's difficult for any man, with all of the things we go through, to keep it burning brightly.

I come away with two things today...love and gratitude. That will do it. Small steps. These two elements make all the difference to me...and serve as a powerful motivator in considering how I want to develop in every aspect. But to succeed, both elements must be shared to increase...so I offer what I have...my love to you...my gratitude for all you've been and done for me.

Hristos a inviat.
Adevarat, a inviat.

Happy Easter, friends.

xo,
j.

Limitations

2009-04-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've realized that my limitations and humanity are scary clear when I'm hungry or tired. I'm amongst friends, so I can openly write about my many elephants in the middle of the room. I can be patient and fairly storybook mom-ish from time to time. I know what to say and do when things happen. I understand the nuances of my kids' personalities, their various strengths and weaknesses, how to deflect them, nourish them, encourage and challenge them...BUT (ooh, that's big) you get me on a day when I'm tired...or hungry...and I'm a brat. All former "progressive parenting" styles are OUT THE WINDOW. It's survival of the fittest. 3 of them and 1 of me and I have to be last man standing - no other options.

This thing called sleep is one of my greatest allies...but I'm so longing for it most of the time. Seriously, I'm like...NAP ADDICTED. I had to get my fix in today because I was TOTALLY falling asleep at my desk. Not good when the CFO's panoramic view includes a bird's eye view directly at me. Oh, hi, powerful upper-management man! Thought I'd catch a few zzz's this afternoon. You don't mind, right? Ooh...a pink slip? It was either fry my computer with my forehead to the keys, or steal 12 minutes in the car. Car won. I hit the snooze twice. Good as new. Now it's 9 and I'm a pumpkin. Sleep. So much to do, but I love my cozy, warm sleeping haven. Love it.

Shortage of zzz's equal a relative increase in grrrr's. Inevitable. Even at work. I'm much more sarcastic and punchy. Oh, it's possible, really, I do it every day and the more I do it, the better and more effective I become at being bratty. No, I don't plan on changing it. I plan on going right on with my bratty self. Complaining and moaning...well, not exactly. I'll go on with my snooze button and my whole-hearted snoring when the occasion calls for it.

The point is this: listen to yourself. Bratty = probably not the best you that could be. We won't argue that, BUT (Oooh, big!!) we never feel GREAT after bratty session. Listen. Forgive. Give yourself what you need. Breathe deeply. Start over again. Everything becomes better with practice, but practice the good, worthwhile things...I shouldn't be so proud of my bratty sarcasm...but right now I'm tired, so deal with it.

Love, love, grouchy love,
j.

The Updates

2009-03-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

Justus - Has started baseball up again. He had opening day and his first game yesterday. Up to bat twice, he hit and ran and came home both times. A very exciting feat. It's like he waiting and watched all last season. This is his year. He's managed to figure out the mechanics and technicalities of the game and is flourishing. Focused. Enthusiastic. but beautifully humble and engaged. I love this side of him.

Emry - Hit a bit of a snag. A very artistic girl, she wouldn't stop drawing when asked by the teacher. Simply, she wasn't finished and it just posed problematic. When 29 other students are waiting to get on with the curriculum for the day, it's an issue. A listening issue. Thinking it over, I thought perhaps the best way was to practice with her and give her a secondary outlet for her energy and a direct application to listening. We've given TaeKwonDo a try. She really likes it and gets a kick out of the fact that she can yell and run around. It's helpful for her listening skills, and for her to have some idea of how to protect herself. Since the tryout, she's been doing really well. It's an incentive for her and an all-around good time. I'm glad it's something she's enjoying. I just have to watch closely that it's not used on her brothers.

Winter - Is coming into his own with a fierce independent phase. He's trying to get the hang of explaining what he's angry about. At this point he just says a bunch of grouchy things. He'll get it. He had his first day of primary without rolling all over the floor today! No, it's a really big deal. He's doing things on his own and figuring out why it's important to be nice to people. This growing up gig can be a lot to handle. He's doing great.

Jasmine - loves naps. In fact, I'll forsake lunch on any given day to go siesta in my car for 50 minutes. Heck yeah. Blanket and pillow - I'm down. I can gauge the intensity of my day by how badly I want to sleep come 1:30. Work is fine. It's difficult to see people being laid off...there's always a gathering by an upper managment member to let us know that the lay offs don't effect us/me...i'm relieved, but sick at the same time. Like they don't effect us...yet. I can see the faces of those people...their children...and I know so much about what they're dealing with...to have this come along and to look into the eyes of a terminated employee as one spared...is awkward. What to even say to begin...It's touched so many.

I AM thankful...thankful to HAVE a job...thankful for a healthy family that's pretty well bound together. It's not perfect, but it's really good. I am thankful for these amazing little people that are mine...something solid in which I can rely. They are my reason...my why...my motivation.

May you all be blessed. Have faith. Believe.

xo,
j.

Random Oddities

2009-02-10T21:19:00.000-08:00

- I think the lady who cooks on the lunch truck is trying to poison me. She keeps sneaking meat into my breakfast burritos. I keep giving them back. I think she's trying to convince me that it's really good. But it's really not to me.

- I've seen Twilight...a lot. Not because it's the most earth-shattering movie ever, but because it's a visual of a story i've greatly enjoyed...and because i wish that there was a human embodiment of Edward and that I could be his Bella.

- I need new music. I've been too budget conscious for the last few months. Going through my playlist I realized that all my stuff is has-been.

- I'm poor, but when I get my state tax return, I'm buying a digital SLR. I keep borrowing other people's cameras. I'd like to have my own.

- I want a house. And a dog.

- I've forgotten to wear earrings for the last 2 weeks. My ear holes may close up. Oh well.

- Wanted: Sugar Daddy. I need a treadmill, lots of Monavie, plastic surgery (after I lose many pounds), and a credit card with no ceiling to the Bare Essentuals Store/counter. No questions asked. Oh, house and dog also required.

- This week is crappy at work. These are the weeks I deeply dislike working in HR.

- SERIOUSLY WANTED: Sugar Daddy.

Stay warm, dry and happy.
xo, j.

Happy February

2009-02-07T17:02:00.001-08:00

February used to be a weird month for me. I think almost every girl waits with some anticipation in the hopes that some amazingly beautiful, kind and fiercely (and sweetly) focused boy will ask her to be his valentine. Whatever, I know. Unrealistic, I know. A fantasy, definitely, I know. But still...I'm being honest that this place...this wish, if you will, existed for me. Point and laugh all you want, I'm over it.

A few years ago, almost 4 to be exact, this wish came true for me. An amazingly beautiful boy for whom I had anxiously waited, entered my life...and February has never been the same.

Four years old. Big. Independent. Crazy stubborn. I can't imagine where he gets it from. He's my forever valentine. It's pretty cool. I suppose you have to be careful what you wish for, you know? Even the wishes that seem far off can be held in the palms of your hands...when the timing is right.

Happy Valentines Day.

2009-01-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

I love working with big insurance carriers. I love it even more that I'm supposed to work with one go-between-type-giggy-firm, and I can never quite tell when a circumstance requires the broker or the carrier...I'm sometimes a little fuzzy on the difference between the two, also. Additionally, it helps not that I work for a company owned by a parent corporation in Sweden, with US headquarters in Connecticut that employs THOUSANDS (well, presently) of people within the country...and that sometimes the carriers...go-betweens...whatever, get confused about who we are, who I am, and what the love is supposed to happen with our particular program. Add OLD insurance issues to the mix, beat wildly, bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes in a building adjacent to a huge field on day when the fertilizer smell is overwhelming until the shell is completely burnt, hardended and beyond salvage, and voila, a perfectly frustrating day!

There's the old addage, "Things are not always as they seem." I realize first hand that simple questions to one individual may not alway be so easy to another. For instance, how do I remove a terminated employee from a particular plan? A plan where the ins and outs have not been fully disclosed. A plan where, believe it or not, all those who enrolled for it last year stayed on it and none of them were terminated...it went beautifully like clock-work. It was magic. This year, after lay-offs, etc. we face new challenges with individuals being forced to walk away from said plan...well, the removal process...not so magic. I asked the carrier apparently using addresses of people who were no longer with them...I was a hair shy of sending a mass email to company with the disclaimer that I was looking for THE ONE, you know? The ONE who would know. The ONE who would understand me. The ONE who could answer my very detailed, intricate question. HOW THE BLOODY LOVE DO I REMOVE THIS PERSON?!!? Please, my kingdom for this employee to GET OFF MY PLAN!!! No one can tell me. Now, mind you, the last few days have offered a comprehensive education in how to convert the employee from one kind of plan to another, but I NEVER ASKED HOW TO CONVERT THE EMPLOYEE!!!! So, clearly, simply...asking how to perform a task like removing someone is not as clear, not as simple as I perceive...I'm guessing that if it were as simple as I thought it would be, I would know how to pull it off right now as I write. But alas, I don't. Lucky me, I have a few more days to threaten, mock, complain and eye-roll over the situation.

So my point is this, even when you think things are easy, don't be surprised if the simple things get snagged because it's too convoluted to understand...likewise, don't be surprised if the quantum mechanics go on without a hitch. Apparently, everyone involved in the complex details speak the same language.

xo,
j.

Duh

2009-01-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

Things that make me crazy...in January of 2009:
- people who can't/don't/won't keep their word
- people who ram their ideology (welcome or not) down your throat
- funky people who totally burp and then ask if that was you
- people who steal my enchiladas
- people who hem and haw over not REMOTELY dramatic things that then BECOME dramatic just by the air they are expelling...please.
- manipulators
- selfish, bratty people

pbthtttt

Things that make me more sane in the face of lame things:
- cuddling with sleeping my sleeping babies
- friends who laugh with me because they've done it
- twilight (admitting I am a junkie)
- yoga
- prayer
- hugs
- the BOM
- touching the softest cheeks ever of a baby of mine...does it for me.

In the face of inevitable stupidity, there's always something that will counter the offense.
The world is well...as well as we make it.

xo, j.

New Beginning

2009-01-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

My poor neglected blog...good thing it's not a pet or something alive for which I am responsible...it would be dead. I'm glad there aren't any blog-rights activists at this point. I would so be fined...arrested...convicted and guilt-laden for my skinny, dieing blog. I'd like to say that my resolution is to be better at this whole deal, but it's not. My resolution is to do bikram yoga 5 times a week. Sorry blog. Add that to my fine list. Seriously, this 2009 thing has given me clarity about one thing: Priority. The other night as I was doing my heaping laundry while simultaneously running a list of things I needed to do through my head to get 2 kids ready to start their school tracks again, my boss prepared for a business trip with the big wigs in Orlando, and keep my other little business nurtured, there came this greatly welcomed but typically ignored voice of reason...and the voice said, "Pick."

My reality is that I have two hands...and despite their very impressive production levels (to most extents) there is (inevitably) more that is left undone. 24 hours in a day, 2 hands versus 3 kids, job, love, extra business...you can laugh now, it won't hurt my feelings. It was the laughing at my self with the bigger picture goggles on the other day that snapped me back into this whole "Who are you kidding?" space. Even if I had extra hands, extra hours in the day, WHATEVER I think I need to make everything happen...there would still be more to do...and not enough to do it. So, surrender to it (I love the yoga frame of mind)...I washed several loads and put them all away properly...but there are more loads out there sitting patiently by the washer. (Good thing there's not a neglected laundry patrol...again, arrested, convicted, etc.) The other loads will still be there when I get to them on another day this week. I made dinner...and put everything away, but there are dishes. I admit it...which dropped in priority when kids needed help with baths. Clean plates or a potential drown scene...pick. Um hmmm. The dishes will need to wait, too. The good news is that my chilies are bathed, lotioned, tooth brushed, flossed, with clean ears, clothes and scriptures read and prayers said along with kisses, hugs and tuck ins...and I'm tired. So there we have it. I can either stay up until the crack and be worthless tomorrow...or I can crash (addtionally because it's a Sunday and I went without a nap) and be prepared for a productive tomorrow. And be in a fairly good mood about it. Pick.

So, I pick rest. I pick a good frame of mind. I pick preparation. I pick a healthier, more well rounded girl...figuratively, remember? LOTS more yoga this year.

Kids are doing well. Chomping at the bit to start school again. They're all amazing, healthy and beautiful. Things are good.

Happy New Year, all.

He is Amazing

2008-08-03T22:33:00.001-07:00

He's 8...and he's made that decision to be baptized. He prepared and prayed...he interviewed and considered...and as of yesterday, he's done it. It was a beautiful day.

He's always been an amazing kid to me. Even when he was born he had this little face and these eyes that were full of intent. He's not aggressive or harsh. For the most part he's very mellow and easy-going. He has this kindness about him, too...he's forgiving and tender. I love these things about him.

His confirmation blessing was powerful...everything about

yesterday was powerful.

I feel greatly blessed to have him in my life. I feel honored to be present and a deep responsibility to prepare him well for the things that will come.

Thank you, friends and family for your support in all things!

The Quarterly

2008-07-26T21:52:00.001-07:00

It's one of those days where there's so much in my head but not a lot to say...I'm contemplative of roads and journeys...and this wilderness. Sorella said many, many years ago based on her own studies, that we each endure a personal wilderness similar to that of Adam and Eve, Christ, the pioneers, etc. It struck me back then as it does now...there's a journey for each of us to take. An individual path laden with happiness and sorrow. These paths switchback and for awhile we walk together, but there are clearly times when we walk with no earthly companion. This path is not the hardest thing I've done, but it's difficult and emotional. I'm uncertain of outcome and process...

I've made poor choices in my life...from which it has been challenging to recover, but it comes. It's very easy to fall into the "shoulda-coulda-woulda" rut...and I'm certain that my choices with school and work, etc. have played into the experiences I've collected to handle the present circumstances. Despite all of this experience, I still fall short and make decisions that (in hindsight) needed deeper consideration. I recognize that there were/are times in my life when I am in the wilderness because I chose to go there...and still I'm not alone.

The beautiful part about being a member of a functional family is that you always have a place. I think every human being has that innate part of them that seeks to belong to something. We desire meaning or purpose. I remember clearly the day that I knew without question that I belonged to God...and that all of the people around me did, too. It means something to me to feel that powerful belonging. I know he knows who I am...I know he knows who YOU are...and not in a general way, but in a specific way. He knows your face. He knows your name. He knows all of your joys and disappointments...your strengths and your weaknesses. This is where I can take comfort. It doesn't make me better than anyone else...this knowledge is a fortification, not a claim of superiority. This knowledge is like knowing how to read before the person next to you - it's a common knowledge thing that everyone will come to realize at some point in the course of their entire life...in a different way...in a different season.

The point of all of this is that regardless of your wilderness, regardless of your particulars, there is a greater hope and the point to the journey. Regardless of mistakes or rebellion even, (though not encouraged) there is love...we decide.

Be at peace. Be still. Be loved.

I promise less philosophy in the next post. xo - j.

Home on a Thursday

2008-05-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's 12:52 pm on a Wednesday in May. I'm home because it's 102 degrees...at least for my son it is. He woke up with a happy disposition, but a high fever. So, I have some time between working on my religion requirement and Blue's Clues and the laundry and sibling refereeing to write a bit.

It's weird to be home on a weekday. I'm actually glad that it worked out this way. Again, because I don't have enough to do as it is, I'm standing in for the principle hair & make-up artist at the Rubicon Theater in Ventura. I stood in for him last year during the Rubicon's production of The Diary of Anne Frank. This time around it's for a premier production of My Antonia. I'll be completely MIA here at home for the next 4 days. Despite the circumstances (sick baby) I get to spend some quiet time with my children. At least this way I know they won't forget who I am over the next few days.

Everything is fine otherwise. I'd like to announce that there's a Marble Slab Creamery going in directly across the street. I'm melancholy happy about it...happy because it's my favorite ice creamery next to Haagen-Daz, and melancholy because I don't eat milk anymore. Too bad they don't have a sorbet-ery. I'd be all over it. I'm happy, too, that they're also building a Yolanda's AND a 24-Hour Fitness...I'm stoaked, just without ice cream. I suppose if there ever came a time when I absolutely needed a stomach ache or I'd die, I could run across the street. That's always an option.

Hope you're all well. More later.

Pa - j.

Things As They Are...

2008-04-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's hot. It's 9:39 pm and it's hot. Windows open. Kids in bed with t-shirts and chonies. It's the only option for comfort when you realize any other clothing will make you a sweaty sleeper.

It's quiet with the exception of the cars roaring past depending on the signal pattern. Growing up near Pacific Coast Highway as a girl I became used to it; the sound of the cars don't bother me, in fact they serve as my calm drone that lulls me to sleep at night.

The sound of the cars and the sound of deep breathing...these are the things as they are. Quiet and still with the occasional noise.

I've learned this week that things are not always as they seem. That karma is real and keeps a better account than most. I've learned that when it comes to matters of the heart, you must trust what you feel beyond what seems logical. Fear is evident in most hastily made decisions...and it leaves deep and lingering holes in the lives of all involved. I also learned that true forgiveness is equally deep and remarkably powerful in every application. Granted, this forgiveness may take a LONG time to encompass every layer of inflicted hurt, but it penetrates everything that you allow and brings a sweet, almost tangible peace. Forgiveness is generated by love...love of God, love of fellow man/humanity, love of self and love for others. It is possible to be dragged through the pits of seeming hell and come to a realization that you survive and can decide on how you'll look at that experience and how it will affect you. It's possible to feel absolute contempt for an individual on one hand and then compassionate understanding and release for every wrong and every hurt provoked by the same. We don't always forget...simply because we use the experience to learn and grow, but we can forgive and achieve a personal serenity. The more we let go the more room we make for love and light in our lives...I have a lot of that.

I have so much for which to be thankful...my family being at the center of my gratitude. I'm grateful to have these 3 little children in my life...to be close to them...to know them and see them developing as little people. I remember serving my mission, humbled to be invited to witness the miraculous transformation of individuals learning about Christ and feeling close to Him. Being a mother and spending this time while my children learn and grow is such a parallel to that experience...I am humbled to be invited to the constant events of their growth. I feel a depth and an overflow of love all at once. It's not perfect, but it's really, really good.

We're healthy and happy and surviving the warmth...for now we have all we need.

Love you all. Be well. Keep in touch.

Zoo Pals

2008-03-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since we've been to the Zoo. Lola told earlier this week that Bob the Builder would be at the Zoo this weekend. Because my little girl was a HUGE Bob the Builder fan for the longest time, Mike and I thought it would be a good surprise to take them this afternoon.

I had a few errands to run prior to going up. Justus and Emry kept trying to guess the surprise. We stopped by Ventura College for me to speak with the Math Chair. "Is THIS the surprise, Mom?" "Yes. SURPRISE!!! I know how much you LOVE statistics!!!" Sometimes it's fun to throw them for a loop like that. I have to quickly set it straight, "No. Math is not the surprise." We went to get gas and wash the car. "Is THIS the surprise, Mom?" "Yes. SURPRISE!!! I know how much you LOVE to watch the car get clean!!!...No. The Car Wash is not the surprise." Half way through Carpenteria Justus asked if the drive was the surprise. "No, honey. The drive is not the surprise." When we got to the Zoo they thought that was it. It wasn't until Bob came out and Mike and I said "SURPRISE!" that they realized this was one of the special elements of the day. For the most part, everything was well received. It's funny though that little girl has Mike wrapped around her finger. He carried her much of the day mainly because she would bat those blue eyes of hers and ask him ever so sweetly if he would hold her. Next thing I know he's carried her half way around the Zoo. It's all in love, so it's not a big deal, just funny.

Lame

2008-02-25T23:11:00.000-08:00

Every so often I try to update this blog-gig...and to no avail, it fails right as I finish or add an interesting picture. So, to those who think I've shirked my blogging responsibilities, I blame technology for my failure to update effectively. Forgive me, none the less.

The bottom line? (Seeing as I've had some less-than-good luck with being able to successfully upload my info and that may happen again here...you never know.) Things are good. Kids, work, life and love are all generally good, although occasionally random and senseless...specifically with regards to work...and sometimes to kids, you know.

My beeb turned 3. He's beautiful and thoughtful and crazy smart. A singer with a remarkable ability to remember lyrics and tune. Familiar with shapes, colors and letters, he says things that make you look at him and question A) did you really just say that? and B) how old are you? He's amazing and engaging...just a joy. I adore him.

Emry is very VERY ready for school in September. She's high-spirited, but sweet and loving...and brave. She had to endure 5 shots last week...she freaked for 3 of them, but the last two were without tears and brought a weak, "Yeah, that was fun." out of her. She's beautiful and growing more and more every day. She's a big fan of coloring, painting, perfecting the use of scissors and general office supplies (paper, staplers, etc.). She's majoring in play-doh and conflict stimulation (amongst her brothers) and serves as default ring-leader in the absence of her older sibling. She's amazing and I thoroughly love and enjoy her.

Justus started baseball a couple of weeks ago. He's into the whole practice routine and learning the ins-and-outs of the game. I've not enrolled him in any other sports since he played soccer when we were in Arizona, so he's behind the curve in some ways, which he totally makes up for in his eagerness and willingness to try and whole-heartedly give it all he has. It helps that he knows his coach so well (my cousin) and plays on a team with kids he knows. He's excited to just play and I'm proud of him for that. One thing, though...he is fascinated by his cup...which makes me shake my head and think, right...this is what i missed by not having brothers. I missed the whole cup thing...I think I'm okay with that. It's just funny when he says, "Look, Mom!" knock, knock, knock (usually with a bat or some other object that would seriously damage). And I'm certain he's all about it because the other boys on the team think it's cool that for once they can do that without falling over in pain. Whatever. It's weird and amusingly awkward to me, but part of that sport and growing up, I suppose. He's still reading, playing the piano and doing very well in school. He's preparing for baptism in August and very excited about that day. I'm blessed with the calling as his Sunday School teacher...and quite honored by the close involvement I have with him and the other little girl in his CTR 7 class in preparing them for such an important and special day. I love him and am grateful to be so close to him.

So, life progresses...and I'm/We're rollin' with it.

Happy. Healthy. Sane (relatively). ;)

Love you all.
J.

2 Hours and 45 Minutes

2007-10-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

Southern California is burning. The sun and sky is red. The clouds overhead spew ash. Schools and freeways are closed...this is the LEAST opportune time to have to take someone to the airport. Typically an hour, ONE WAY took me 2 hours and 45 minutes. Freeways all over were closed...and I had a choice to make - get freaked out about it and stressed...or let it be. I chose the latter.

Freeway time, actually, serves me as a thinking moment. There are a number of issues at hand to consider...not only in my personal life, but in the world...and with fires raging all around me and natural displays which are very prophetic-like I had a chance to really delve into where I stand. I didn't have to fish for dropped cups or some processed snack in a travel bag. I didn't have to flip through cd's to find "My Songs, Mom". I didn't have to do anything but focus on the car ahead of me...and I wasn't mad about it, so I could gain some insight and perspective there on the 405 with my cruise control set at 11 miles per hour.

I don't want to go into what I thought about or what realizations I've made, just that there needs to be time to consider, or ponder. I hear parents talk all the time about "teaching" moments; that you must watch for the opportunities to do so. And we ask people around us to THINK about things...okay, so FINE - THINK. But this was different...this was consideration as NPR discussed political, diplomatic and foreign policy issues in addition to the issues regarding California's own state of emergency. There don't seem to be enough hours in a day to have time to ponder and consider...in a quiet place for more than 20 or 30 minutes where a thought can construct a pattern and really take the route of a process...and perhaps arrive at a conclusion. It's brilliant.

So I lied, I will tell you a smidge of what I thought about...the non-offensive ME things that I thought about - the elements of necessary change within my own life. I don't want to discuss my deliberation on political affiliation right now.

I thought about where I was a year ago - attending CLU and working 2 jobs, falling in love, and coming to the end of my rope with a disenchanting work situation. People just kinda left me alone during those times. I've had more people ask me in the last month about my singing...and (embarrassingly enough) I was taken aback...oh right, I sing. I remember that. I think my last real performance was at the Christmas Program up in Ojai last December. I need to sing more. ALOT more. But then there's the flip side of it...the opportunity. There's a matter of making it happen...a matter that I've not taken into my own hands...that may need to change. I've had people ask me about photography...oh right, I'm a freelance photographer...dang, I almost forgot that one, too! Somebody came to me for watercolor painting techniques...it was STRANGE to sit at a table and try to explain value and painting mechanics...it was like I had forgotten I was a painter. It's true that the once strong muscles of skill that we don't use will atrophy and wain. My change has to do with remembering the many aspects of talent and agency that exist within us. A very surprising discovery.

It's amazing what traffic can do for you, huh?

4 Months Later

2007-09-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize that I've not blogged in 4 months. I'm not sitting in a classroom 3 nights a week anymore, so my blog time has been reduced significantly. I'm suddenly stripped of those hours where I waltz in and out of attention to theories of special education, technology in the classroom, biology and methods. I found during those frequent hours that I could wander between conceptual rhetoric and practical life...considering those elements of both that were relevant and absurd. Now that work is in full swing and kids are getting back to school I am without doodle-time, if you will. But there is much to be said in terms of progress and for that, I can offer a few glimpses of the moment.

Justus is starting 2nd grade tomorrow. He's lost a whole lot of teeth...they're starting to fill in and he can eat corn on the cob again...which is kinda funny. He's tall. He's smart. He's mine.

She's a talker. Smart as a whip and engaging. She's certainly not shy...but she has this innate practicality when she talks to new people...and then she likes them and wants to play...even in dentists offices...it's kinda funny. She begins her second year of preschool on Friday...big beautiful girl. And yes, her hair is short...because she cut it herself and it had to be fixed...

He's quite the conversationalist...and rather observant. He's huge and darling. He has this high pitched voice...and you can't help but melt when he says he loves you too, or misses you too...little pumpkin.

So the short of it is that all is well. Children are getting bigger every day. Work and love and life are better than could ever be expected. Happy. Healthy. Just without doodle time.

Love you all. Be Well. Keep in Touch! xo - j.

I did it.

2007-05-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

I walked the line on May 12. Despite the fact that I have 2 classes to finish this summer, CLU considers me a graduate. I've decided NOT to go into School of Education for my Masters as of yet. I'll be able to use my degree within the capacity of my job - that's a good thing.

It was a beautiful ceremony. I was a bit emotional - I certainly didn't expect that. We were lined up in alphabetical order and our families were given maps to know our whereabouts. It was cool. Before we were seated we had to walk through a gauntlet of faculty who applauded us. It's crazy to think that I started this journey 2 years ago and now it's done. It's crazy to think...I did it.

OMG

2007-04-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling crunchy. I'm 2 weeks away from graduation. I'm sitting in a classroom with a handful of 1st years who are FLIPPING OUT over the final...A final which will allow notes AND the textbook. I've got a serious case of angst. I'm talking theory with a man who has no concept of Piaget, Dewey, the basic educational theorists...and a completely (he's admitted) jaded perspective. It's like scripture chase on crack. 15 women between 21 and 55 flipping through pages frantically to answer questions on pedagogy, curriculum, policy, etc...grrr. enough.

All is well. Kids, life, work, school...it's all beautiful - promise. It's just busy. I had a woman call me the other day about student loan consolidation. She went on for 20 minutes asking me questions about this and that...she asked me at the end about providing her with specific amounts from specific lenders...at that point I told her that the timing was less than desirable. I'm in the process of finals, I work full-time, go to school full-time and I'm a single mother of 3. The woman stammered and said, "Wow. You sound so calm." enough. It's all good.

Love you all. Be happy.

5 days of music

2007-04-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Robin. Robin. Robin. Have you ever had a friend so connected to music that you felt like you could never catch up? I sent Robin 3 cds of cool tunes I've found over the last year or so...Kate Havnevik, Cut Chemist, The Reconteurs, Beck, Bitter:Sweet, Imogene Heap, Si*Se, Sia, and a few others.

Dear boy, he sent me some music in return...oh sorry, he sent me 5 days worth of music...if I were to play everything he sent me without stopping it would take 5 days to get through it all...and it turns out he KNOWS Kate Havnevik. Despite that I feel like a completely unqualified contributor, (which is all me, I'm sure he takes my measly cds fondly) I am amazed by what he's exposed me to...in that breath, I am grateful...

How does he FIND this stuff? The kind of music that makes you close your eyes to feel the depth of the message. The point: Regardless of what you know, there is always more. There is beauty in differences.

Kids These Days

2007-03-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

JUSTUS

Justus is getting big. He's smart...and doing his best to take on more "grown up" tasks...like taking the garbage cans out on trash day. Granted, they're bigger than him and it takes him considerable effort, but he's getting the hang of it. He's reading Magic Tree House books now and getting ready to start on the Juney B. Jones series. We got him and Emry each a fish. I asked him what he wanted to name his blue beta..."Fast...because he's fast." Fast it is. He had a tooth pulled a few weeks ago. It was tramatic...but he (funny) was most upset at the fact that he didn't get to keep the molar. He, too has discovered the various photo features of my new computer...and contributes the following:

Other than that, he's a great boy. I look at him and think of the days when he was tiny...even those first few days with him. I reflect on the stages he's come through and I marvel...he's amazing, remarkable, beautiful...mine.

EMRY

Mimi got her hair cut several weeks ago. It was long...and to the point where it was causing her more grief than joy. She got food in it almost every meal, grass, toys...and now that Winter has learned how to grab, her hair had become a prime target. In brushing her hair that final morning, she kept saying "I don't WANT long hair." I asked her if she wanted me to cut it and she said she did...so I did. She's cute - dang cute. She's got this cute little bob and I pull her bangs up in a little half pony in the front...she's precious...and a spit-fire; the combination can be exausting. But you've got to love her fierce independence and her sweetness. She usually climbs into my bed in the middle of the night. We wake up and talk about her day. She's loved being in school and ballet. She picks things up very quickly. She constantly asks me to "test" her, meaning to giver her ballet words to perform, like plie and arabesque...to which she quickly moves into position with this darling little smile on her face. She's still into spelling random things and chomping at the bit to have the components of reading come together so that she can. Still very enthusiastic about art - she made a shark last week in preschool. She's growing beautifully. I adore her and she knows it...I'm blessed she is my daugter.

WINTER

Is a little peanut. I don't keep anything in the cabinets under the sinks...Winter hides out in there. If I'm doing my make-up in the morning in my bathroom, he'll come in and crawl in there...occasionally opening the door to peek out and see what I'm doing. He's talking more now and he's more aggressive in terms of what he'll take from his brother and sister. He's more apt to object if they take something away from him or vocalize his refusal when it's time to go to bed. He's still dear, still precious...He's very curious by nature. He LOVES to be with his brother and sister and he's presenting characteristics that show he will be independent, too. I can't image where that comes from. He's a giggler, that's for sure. I love him.

JASMINE

I'm graduating May 12. I'm starting a new job April 2. I'm working on the crew of the Diary of Anne Frank at the Rubicon Theatre. My ward probably thinks I'm inactive due to school and work, but I'm not. I have one free day a week...it's Tuesday...All of those surveys that ask what your favorite day of the week is...it's TUESDAY because I don't have school that night and I get to remind myself what it feels like to go to work and then go straight home when the sun is still out. Do not wish this upon yourself. Scott Springer and I talked a few months ago about what it was like for him to finish his degree at Pepperdine...we share the same sentiments in terms of coming to the finish line and feeling completely broken. I carry 5 classes this term - 4 with CLU and 1 with BYU. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely worth it and the learning experience is truly valuable...it's just a lot to keep organized. I'm thinking about taking a year off after I finish...but then there's a side of me that says to just keep plugging another year or two to finish my masters, seeing as some of the classes I'm taking to finish my credential apply toward that program. We'll see...it depends on what happens with this new job and whether my promptings lead me to pursue Human Resources the way the company proposes...or if I use my degree to pursue Guidance Counselling in High School and then at a Collegiate Level. There are many options...but I won't be sure until I'm IN the moment. Lots of prayers. The Mike aspect is good...really good. I'm very lucky...it's like we're cut from the same cloth. I'm very excited about him in my life in terms of the return of my friend and the unique and profound nature of our relationship. We've talked a little about how things were between us so many years ago...we only ever wanted to be friends...things don't happen on accident. Everything is going remarkably well.

So, hurray for graduation. Hurray for work. Hurray for kids. Hurray.
Love to you all - J.

Beautiful

2007-03-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

12 years ago a beautiful blue eyed boy sat behind me in a spanish class at ventura college. he became one of my closest, dearest friends. our lives went in different directions, but we thought of each other. last april we managed to track each other down to catch up...the rest is history. he is amazing. he seems to see into my very heart. he understands who i am like no other...i am moved. exstatic. blessed. humbled. happy.

The Diary of Anne Frank

2007-03-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

My latest project (I so needed another one) is with the Rubicon Theatre. Their head hair/make-up artist is a principle actor in another show, so I'm covering for him on the dates he has performances. I've found a fun way for the actors to pass the time while they're in THE CHAIR...see for yourself.

Gotta Love the Mac

2007-03-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

I got a MacBook this week...and I love it. I can never go back to PC...there's just too many things about it that completely surpass my experience with other computers...With school and work, I've not had much time to just mess around with the thing and see what it can do. Last night I came home early from work because I felt like hud. After a lenghty nap I felt a little better and seized the perfect 45 minutes to give this baby a test whirl...and I discovered fun things...like photo booth!! See the many pictures attached...I thought the warped ones were so dang funny that I had to share them. She may not be a pretty girl, but she sure has a GREAT personality! Mike and I thought perhaps I should post these to a match.com site and see how it goes (hee hee!). Love you all!

Poetry Exercises from Last Term: Teaching Writing

2007-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

Exercise 1 - Number your paper 1 to 15. Open any book or magazine. Choose a starting point on any page in your selection. From that point, choose one word that you like out of every consecutive sentence for 15 sentences. After your words have been chosen, write words around those chosen to create a poem.

from page 1 - by Jasmine
violently SNATCHED from some
FOUND place
the ruby SQUARES giving direction to chaos
you're SCARY, she whispers
that's not FUNNY you reply...because it's not

PUDGY appendages smear grace over a white page
a concrete CATHEDRAL looming above
DEAF ears and broken perspective
colors REFLECTED on grey murals...inspected
like GERMS on glass

his voice SOUNDED gravelly, but riveting
NICKEL-COLORED pennies and dollars at his feet
i wish, SOMETIMES, to be like him but he's empty
an impenetrable FROST suffocating his heart...
the place LEAST recognized

Exercise 2 - Consider where you are from. Interpret it how you will and explain in a few lines.

i am from - by jasmine

i am from a young mother betrayed, cheated-on & abandoned
i am from culture exposed & embraced
i am from simple thoughts & complicated theories
i am from ashes...burnt, humiliated - but salvaged
i am from survivors
i am from blue and green eyes that have my shape, my mouth and my undivided attention
i am from small hands that seek me out in the dark to be warmed and comforted
i am from some far off place where a father watches over me and offers me passage by blood spilt and grace administered
i am from harsh stumbling, blatant error and dumb luck
i am from tender hopes and belief in the power of love
i am from joy & laughter, tears & hiccups
i am from no season...but from every weather

I am more from inside.
I've internalized everywhere I've been - everything I've done.
I've seen things & made decisions about what I want to take from them & become, but it seems despite my choices, the residue of the remnants surface occasionally.
I am influenced by all around me to become a greater i am.

Likes that Make Me...well, ME

2007-02-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

- The Vegan Cake at Real Food Daily in Santa Monica

- Fredrick Fekkai Glossy Shampoo & Conditioner (Green Bottles)

- New Fragrance: Euphoria Blossom by Calvin Klein (this changes frequently)

- Aveda Moisturizer

- Earth Shoes (give that negative heel a whirl, you'll never go back)

- mac

- M.A.C.

- Catalina Island on a beautiful clear day/night in July

- Molokai

- Michael Christian and his passion for architecture, travel, agaves, antique european cars...

- Cafe Zack's in Ventura

- The Taj in Ventura

- Salzer's

- Imogene Heap, Damian Marley, Bitter:Sweet, Massive Attack, Coldplay, The Police, oh, too many

- Photographs

- The Getty

- Tuberose

- The low dive

- bare feet

- red toe nail polish

- cardigans or v-neck sweaters

- black t-shirts

- long skirts and dresses

- 3/4 sleeve shirts

- giving Potato Boy a new dialogue

- lola

- aminals...

Kid Update

2007-02-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

WINTER

2! I'm 2! My burthay was really fun! My Mom got all kinds of heart balloons because I was born on Valentimesday and I'm her valentime. We ate spaghetti because I love spaghetti and my uncles and aunties came over and got me a firetruck to ride on and puh-jammas. My Pua and Poppa got me close because I always need close. The only thing that wasn't fun was that I had to get shots because I'm 2...I didn't like that very much and I made sure the nurse-lady knew it. I yelled at her really loud and a lot. My brother and sister came, too...they watched...well, kinda...Jussy covered his eyes and Emry covered her ears when I yelled...but my mom knew what to do and she gave me a cup and I was kinda happy for a while...then she fed me and I was fine. But my burthay was really fun. I ate cake and ice cream, too. And some valentimes candy and Mike gave me yummy bears. I like those a lot. I took a bath after my party because I was really dirty and then I went to sleep. Burthays are fun!

EMRY

I'm Emry. I'm 4...at least, I THINK I'm 4. Everytime I say that, my Mom says I'm 3. But just you wait, in May I WILL be 4...and then I'll say I'm 5 because I HAVE to catch up with Justus! My latest news is that I'm in ballet! Mom takes me every Saturday morning. I like to spin around and run and jump across the floor! I'm starting preschool in a couple of weeks and that'll be good because then I'll be as smart as Justus! I'm in Sunbeams now! I like it alot. I like going to church because I get to see my friends and my teacher. My Pua is in primary with me and Justus and my uncle. I can count and I'm trying really hard to learn how to spell even though I don't what all of my letters sound like. You never know when someone is going to ask you how to spell NUGGET, so I ask my Mom every day how to do it. I love to color and do puzzles. I LOVE Bob the Builder. I'm a happy girl!

JUSTUS

I really like school. I'm in first grade and I like to read. I've read over 100 AR books and going strong. I also like math and computers...oh, and recess - I have 4 of them everyday (Can you believe it!!). I'm a big helper with my Mom. I like to make my lunch in the mornings - peanut butter sandwiches (the best). I'm learning how to bring the trash cans in so that I can get an allowance and pay tithing. I started reading the Book of Mormon this year. My primary leader gave me a copy of my own. When I get baptized I'll get a set with my name on it (only a year and a half to go! woo hoo!)! My Grampa has started to teach me how to play basketball and Mike got me a golf club to play with in our back yard. I've been anxious to learn how to ride a skateboard, but Mom says I have to learn how to ride a 2-wheeled bike first - something about learning how to balance and taking steps. I sure love to ride my scooter, though and if skateboarding is half as fun, I'm ALL OVER IT! Umm, eating isn't my favorite thing unless it's candy or peanut butter sandwiches...but I do like carrots and hamburgers...ooh, and pancakes...and cucumbers. I guess I do like to eat. My Mom and I dance a lot in the kitchen on Saturdays when we're cleaning up after breakfast. I'm turning 7 this year. I've told my Mom that I want to learn how to play tennis and swim. Yeah. That'll be good.

EPILOGUE

You can't stop progress. Growth rolls on whether you're prepared or not. Walking, talking...remember when they were just trying to figure that out? And now they're eloquent and insightful. They consider what events and phrases really mean within a personal application. I look at them and I see the true fruition of a patriarchal promise. They are a reflection of everything they see and hear. I am taken aback by their physical growth - their development and change. I am moved by their acts of kindness and consideration. I am, then, infuriated by their thoughtless cruelty and occasional disdain...but they learn. By example, they establish order and reason. To bring up a child in the world is a tremendous responsibility...it is in NO way an easy task. There is a real amount of pain. Contrastly, there is an equal, if not more abundant realization of joy in that mix.

2 years. Almost 4 years. and Nearly 7 years. I know exactly where the time has gone...

(N)ANTS or (W)EEDS

2007-02-20T09:55:00.000-08:00

Lists. Lists can be comical...while stumbling across the "Create Profile" of this whole blog machine, I noticed the "Add Wish List" entry. Curious, I clicked and clicked until I reached the "suggestions for wish list." Apparently, this is what America has been looking for:

A few of the items recently found with Froogle:
cookie jar natural gas grill paella pan home theater system fuel injectors
space pen harry potter costume ski boots spa pump proxima projector
leather armchair garbage disposal scrapbook paper chess set
patio furniture polk audio chai tea cordless drill gamecube console
huffy green machine canopy bed smartwool socks window washer

I can't say that any of these options are relevant to me personally, but perhaps in the future I shall create a list where fuel injectors and space pen occupy the same page; however, for now I appreciate the fact that my needs are a bit more simplistic: paper towels, organic veggies, and some tea tree shampoo...oh, and conditioner...I'm always in the market for a good conditioner (Fredrick Fekkai Olive Oil will give you killer shiney hair).

I suppose what this list brings to the forefront is what we really NEED. Has our society merged the word WANT and NEED? Are the two concepts now synonimous? Will I die withouta huffy green machine? And isn't a space pen a pen that can write upside down??? Can't we just use a pencil if we really need to write upside down? Maybe it's just me. I'm weird for getting frustrated with the amount of STUFF we collect to define ourselves. Yes, we need things, don't get me wrong, but it seems like we can go overboard and STUFF ourselves silly. I'm NOT saying that I'm looking down on people who make this their life's ambition. And I'm NOT going to step over the line to rant and rave about consumption and how that will effect our environment...you can go there if you want, but that's not my real purpose...it's simply to point out that there is some humor in the froogle list, don't you think? And independently they might not be so obvious it's just together they seem silly. To each his own, I suppose...but for now I'll just focus on finishing my profile...and creating my list: paper towels, organic veggies and tea tree shampoo...Oh, and conditioner...I'm always in the market for a good conditioner (Frederick Fekkai Olive Oil will give you killer shiney hair)...

;)

February

2007-02-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to look back on progress made from birthday to birthday. It's even more amazing and (somewhat) melancholy (depending on the day) when it's reflection on the growth of your children. Winter will be 2 this month...my valentine. He's walking, talking, teeth-brushing, exploring, car-driving-pantomiming sweet pea. The latest doctor's visit affirmed CLEAR lungs - a very good sign after some scary episodes last year.

It's crazy to think what 2 years means...what it brings...how much a person can change. Last year he still seemed so small and now he's on the brink of being a BOY...not a baby any longer. There are days when I wish they all were still small...and there are instances when I can still share tender moments with them like I did when they were tiny...but I am astounded at how quickly they adapt and how intensely they comprehend and retain upon which to build other skills and thoughts.

He's a precious boy...I admit it, I'm biased. But you should see him...you should hear him say "keess" and pucker up his tiny little lips. You should hear him make the smooch sound as he holds your cheeks and kisses you. You should see his green eyes light up when you walk into the room. You are lucky when he runs to hug your knee caps. Your heart melts when he says "bye" to his brother when he leaves for school. You can't help but love him when he follows you around with a muffin in one hand and your pant leg in the other. He's a precious boy.

2 years has brought me to see remarkable similarities between him and his brother. Almost identical...but distinctly different. 2 years has brought me to feel so blessed to have 3 little ones in my life...who help me to keep focused...who help me to realize the greater picture...who help me to giggle and play. As crazy as things can be at times...there is nothing like being mother to them. I wouldn't change it for anything!

Pictures to come after Winter's birthday!