To Remember

The last few weeks have brought back some poignant memories. Flowers and tree trunks painted white. Amaryllis and paper whites growing in lush parks...spring green held in by meandering cement walkways. Piatas full of spring berries and flowers...and then the tears come. Involuntarily. Regardless, they come. Tears for things and people that I miss...tears for things and people I love...tears for a time...a beautiful, harsh, glorious time...I can remember the sound of my shoes on the streets. I can remember dogs and cars and gypsies...the smell of bread...the smell of dirt and sweat. Companions. Neighbors. Investigators. Members. How they laughed when things were new. How they cried for things that had happened to them...the Opera plaza full of cards and trinkets for zuia fameilor...How I found my son's name one early morning during individual study in my little bed in Timisoara...How I discovered so much in a place so far away...and how far it seems to me right now.

There's no Easter Bunny in Romania. Eggs are dyed red or with symbols of spring in observance of new life. The daily greetings change from the regular "good day" to "Christ was Resurrected." And the one receiving the greeting replies with, "True, He Lives Again." Their Easter celebration is about light. Climbing up to a high tower in Timisoara, the view from the window brought an almost endless sea in the Opera plaza of the town citizens all with illuminated candles. The light of Christ they symbolically carried. Beautiful.

I am grateful for a time every year to consider what this light means to me. To hold a love for traditions I grew up with as a child, but to include these newly acquired perspectives to my observances makes it deeper for me now. I can make my own efforts daily to nourish my light and encourage it in others, regardless of their own beliefs. Light is light. We each have it...and it's difficult for any man, with all of the things we go through, to keep it burning brightly.

I come away with two things today...love and gratitude. That will do it. Small steps. These two elements make all the difference to me...and serve as a powerful motivator in considering how I want to develop in every aspect. But to succeed, both elements must be shared to increase...so I offer what I have...my love to you...my gratitude for all you've been and done for me.

Hristos a inviat.
Adevarat, a inviat.

Happy Easter, friends.

xo,
j.

Limitations

I've realized that my limitations and humanity are scary clear when I'm hungry or tired. I'm amongst friends, so I can openly write about my many elephants in the middle of the room. I can be patient and fairly storybook mom-ish from time to time. I know what to say and do when things happen. I understand the nuances of my kids' personalities, their various strengths and weaknesses, how to deflect them, nourish them, encourage and challenge them...BUT (ooh, that's big) you get me on a day when I'm tired...or hungry...and I'm a brat. All former "progressive parenting" styles are OUT THE WINDOW. It's survival of the fittest. 3 of them and 1 of me and I have to be last man standing - no other options.

This thing called sleep is one of my greatest allies...but I'm so longing for it most of the time. Seriously, I'm like...NAP ADDICTED. I had to get my fix in today because I was TOTALLY falling asleep at my desk. Not good when the CFO's panoramic view includes a bird's eye view directly at me. Oh, hi, powerful upper-management man! Thought I'd catch a few zzz's this afternoon. You don't mind, right? Ooh...a pink slip? It was either fry my computer with my forehead to the keys, or steal 12 minutes in the car. Car won. I hit the snooze twice. Good as new. Now it's 9 and I'm a pumpkin. Sleep. So much to do, but I love my cozy, warm sleeping haven. Love it.

Shortage of zzz's equal a relative increase in grrrr's. Inevitable. Even at work. I'm much more sarcastic and punchy. Oh, it's possible, really, I do it every day and the more I do it, the better and more effective I become at being bratty. No, I don't plan on changing it. I plan on going right on with my bratty self. Complaining and moaning...well, not exactly. I'll go on with my snooze button and my whole-hearted snoring when the occasion calls for it.

The point is this: listen to yourself. Bratty = probably not the best you that could be. We won't argue that, BUT (Oooh, big!!) we never feel GREAT after bratty session. Listen. Forgive. Give yourself what you need. Breathe deeply. Start over again. Everything becomes better with practice, but practice the good, worthwhile things...I shouldn't be so proud of my bratty sarcasm...but right now I'm tired, so deal with it.


Love, love, grouchy love,
j.

The Updates

Justus - Has started baseball up again. He had opening day and his first game yesterday. Up to bat twice, he hit and ran and came home both times. A very exciting feat. It's like he waiting and watched all last season. This is his year. He's managed to figure out the mechanics and technicalities of the game and is flourishing. Focused. Enthusiastic. but beautifully humble and engaged. I love this side of him.

Emry - Hit a bit of a snag. A very artistic girl, she wouldn't stop drawing when asked by the teacher. Simply, she wasn't finished and it just posed problematic. When 29 other students are waiting to get on with the curriculum for the day, it's an issue. A listening issue. Thinking it over, I thought perhaps the best way was to practice with her and give her a secondary outlet for her energy and a direct application to listening. We've given TaeKwonDo a try. She really likes it and gets a kick out of the fact that she can yell and run around. It's helpful for her listening skills, and for her to have some idea of how to protect herself. Since the tryout, she's been doing really well. It's an incentive for her and an all-around good time. I'm glad it's something she's enjoying. I just have to watch closely that it's not used on her brothers.

Winter - Is coming into his own with a fierce independent phase. He's trying to get the hang of explaining what he's angry about. At this point he just says a bunch of grouchy things. He'll get it. He had his first day of primary without rolling all over the floor today! No, it's a really big deal. He's doing things on his own and figuring out why it's important to be nice to people. This growing up gig can be a lot to handle. He's doing great.

Jasmine - loves naps. In fact, I'll forsake lunch on any given day to go siesta in my car for 50 minutes. Heck yeah. Blanket and pillow - I'm down. I can gauge the intensity of my day by how badly I want to sleep come 1:30. Work is fine. It's difficult to see people being laid off...there's always a gathering by an upper managment member to let us know that the lay offs don't effect us/me...i'm relieved, but sick at the same time. Like they don't effect us...yet. I can see the faces of those people...their children...and I know so much about what they're dealing with...to have this come along and to look into the eyes of a terminated employee as one spared...is awkward. What to even say to begin...It's touched so many.

I AM thankful...thankful to HAVE a job...thankful for a healthy family that's pretty well bound together. It's not perfect, but it's really good. I am thankful for these amazing little people that are mine...something solid in which I can rely. They are my reason...my why...my motivation.

May you all be blessed. Have faith. Believe.

xo,
j.

Random Oddities

- I think the lady who cooks on the lunch truck is trying to poison me. She keeps sneaking meat into my breakfast burritos. I keep giving them back. I think she's trying to convince me that it's really good. But it's really not to me.

- I've seen Twilight...a lot. Not because it's the most earth-shattering movie ever, but because it's a visual of a story i've greatly enjoyed...and because i wish that there was a human embodiment of Edward and that I could be his Bella.

- I need new music. I've been too budget conscious for the last few months. Going through my playlist I realized that all my stuff is has-been.

- I'm poor, but when I get my state tax return, I'm buying a digital SLR. I keep borrowing other people's cameras. I'd like to have my own.

- I want a house. And a dog.

- I've forgotten to wear earrings for the last 2 weeks. My ear holes may close up. Oh well.

- Wanted: Sugar Daddy. I need a treadmill, lots of Monavie, plastic surgery (after I lose many pounds), and a credit card with no ceiling to the Bare Essentuals Store/counter. No questions asked. Oh, house and dog also required.

- This week is crappy at work. These are the weeks I deeply dislike working in HR.

- SERIOUSLY WANTED: Sugar Daddy.

Stay warm, dry and happy.
xo, j.

Happy February

February used to be a weird month for me. I think almost every girl waits with some anticipation in the hopes that some amazingly beautiful, kind and fiercely (and sweetly) focused boy will ask her to be his valentine. Whatever, I know. Unrealistic, I know. A fantasy, definitely, I know. But still...I'm being honest that this place...this wish, if you will, existed for me. Point and laugh all you want, I'm over it.

A few years ago, almost 4 to be exact, this wish came true for me. An amazingly beautiful boy for whom I had anxiously waited, entered my life...and February has never been the same.

Four years old. Big. Independent. Crazy stubborn. I can't imagine where he gets it from. He's my forever valentine. It's pretty cool. I suppose you have to be careful what you wish for, you know? Even the wishes that seem far off can be held in the palms of your hands...when the timing is right.

Happy Valentines Day.

I love working with big insurance carriers. I love it even more that I'm supposed to work with one go-between-type-giggy-firm, and I can never quite tell when a circumstance requires the broker or the carrier...I'm sometimes a little fuzzy on the difference between the two, also. Additionally, it helps not that I work for a company owned by a parent corporation in Sweden, with US headquarters in Connecticut that employs THOUSANDS (well, presently) of people within the country...and that sometimes the carriers...go-betweens...whatever, get confused about who we are, who I am, and what the love is supposed to happen with our particular program. Add OLD insurance issues to the mix, beat wildly, bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes in a building adjacent to a huge field on day when the fertilizer smell is overwhelming until the shell is completely burnt, hardended and beyond salvage, and voila, a perfectly frustrating day!

There's the old addage, "Things are not always as they seem." I realize first hand that simple questions to one individual may not alway be so easy to another. For instance, how do I remove a terminated employee from a particular plan? A plan where the ins and outs have not been fully disclosed. A plan where, believe it or not, all those who enrolled for it last year stayed on it and none of them were terminated...it went beautifully like clock-work. It was magic. This year, after lay-offs, etc. we face new challenges with individuals being forced to walk away from said plan...well, the removal process...not so magic. I asked the carrier apparently using addresses of people who were no longer with them...I was a hair shy of sending a mass email to company with the disclaimer that I was looking for THE ONE, you know? The ONE who would know. The ONE who would understand me. The ONE who could answer my very detailed, intricate question. HOW THE BLOODY LOVE DO I REMOVE THIS PERSON?!!? Please, my kingdom for this employee to GET OFF MY PLAN!!! No one can tell me. Now, mind you, the last few days have offered a comprehensive education in how to convert the employee from one kind of plan to another, but I NEVER ASKED HOW TO CONVERT THE EMPLOYEE!!!! So, clearly, simply...asking how to perform a task like removing someone is not as clear, not as simple as I perceive...I'm guessing that if it were as simple as I thought it would be, I would know how to pull it off right now as I write. But alas, I don't. Lucky me, I have a few more days to threaten, mock, complain and eye-roll over the situation.

So my point is this, even when you think things are easy, don't be surprised if the simple things get snagged because it's too convoluted to understand...likewise, don't be surprised if the quantum mechanics go on without a hitch. Apparently, everyone involved in the complex details speak the same language.

xo,
j.

Duh

Things that make me crazy...in January of 2009:
- people who can't/don't/won't keep their word
- people who ram their ideology (welcome or not) down your throat
- funky people who totally burp and then ask if that was you
- people who steal my enchiladas
- people who hem and haw over not REMOTELY dramatic things that then BECOME dramatic just by the air they are expelling...please.
- manipulators
- selfish, bratty people

pbthtttt

Things that make me more sane in the face of lame things:
- cuddling with sleeping my sleeping babies
- friends who laugh with me because they've done it
- twilight (admitting I am a junkie)
- yoga
- prayer
- hugs
- the BOM
- touching the softest cheeks ever of a baby of mine...does it for me.

In the face of inevitable stupidity, there's always something that will counter the offense.
The world is well...as well as we make it.

xo, j.