Wishes

Facebook is my friend. I like it. I know how to use it along with the rest of the Internet. Every so often in my effective searching I run across things that I wish I didn't know...and no, it's not nasty stuff. It's finding houses that belonged to people that I know posted on real estate sites...for a fraction of what they paid...and ended up losing. These are the days I wish I had a few hundred grand stuffed away to buy back a house...I would do that.

It's stumbling across people who at one point in time changed the whole structure of my family with their selfish choices...I'm not mad or angry...and it's not that I'm wasting judgment or emotion on them...it's just a strange hind-sight thing.

It's stumbling across places that I had once been...and have missed. Or people who changed my life...it's not that I run to reunite with these...just reflect on how I feel about that change in a set of a hundred...and can recognize their direct or indirect contribution. I can be grateful for that...or ponder the lesson now that it's been awhile and can see the chain of events that have followed.

Maybe I'm just in a weird mindset right now...

You know, when you get to that point??? That point where you're in need of life satisfaction, but it's not quite there because of work or transition or change or conflict or pain or frustration or misunderstanding or frenzy...or just because. Some days I'd just like the House Fairy to drop a 4/2 on me...without causation by death or divorce...just because she likes me and because I deserve it. :) Some days I wish the Raise Fairy would sprinkle some pay increase notions on my boss...not because someone else got fired and I got to do their job, too...just because the Raise Fairy (and hopefully my boss) likes me A LOT because I'm good at what I do. I know you feel this way, too. Yes, hard work...blah blah blah...put your time in...blah blah blah...pay your dues...blah blah blah. That's not what this rant is about. It's about having more of those moments...like when you find something that you didn't expect and it's AWESOME and it makes things just a pinch great for a bit without a whole lot of blood, sweat and massive amounts of tears and worry. Don't freak. Everything is fine. Just wishing.

I AM blessed...and grateful. Just contemplative. I wish I had enough of whatever it was that was needed to heal pain and hurt. I wish I knew how to administer it to the need. Granted there are plenty of things that we need to do on our own to get to where we are going...but I wish I had that gift of knowing what I could give to solve. I wish I didn't need as much emotionally as I know I do...the flip side is that if I take away that need, I lose compassion and this weird intuition...which I wouldn't want to go away.

I wish you more of the things you need...and less of the things you don't.

I wish I was there to tell you and hear your voice. I just...wish.

Empty Room

Extended vacation months bring about arrangements for my littles to visit their Dad. This year my daughter went for a month and my sons are presently gone. At the end of the stay it'll be a little over 3 weeks. Each visit brought an empty room. E's room was silent for 4 weeks...during which I SHOULD have thoroughly cleaned it, sorted toys, blah blah blah...but I didn't. There was something about the disheveled dress-up clothes...and the slippers in random order. My E isn't the most orderly little girl...she's easily distracted. And although most of the messes in the house on a Saturday morning are blamed on her little brother, when neither of the brothers are present, it's really hard to pin the blame on them. So, it has become clear who exactly leaves the cereal out...and the milk...and drawing items...and paints...and littlest pet shop thingeys...and whatever else. While she was gone...having all of those items exactly the way they were when she left...somehow kept her there...captured her. Made her not so far away...even though she really was.

Now, the boys are gone...and their room sits empty. Stripped beds and folded laundry sit on a desk that waits for August 17th when children return to school and that surface will be used again the way it was intended.

I support the visit. I just miss them when they're away. My life is so completely engaged in them...that when they're gone...I'm a little off...just holding my breath and waiting for all the cogs to fit again. Not that I would tell them that, but between you and me, you know?

Safe journey, my littles. Love you.